Traditional funeral etiquette: Guidance and advice for attending
A funeral is a chance to say goodbye and to support the family and friends of the person who's died. If you've never been to a funeral before, it can feel daunting. This guide covers what to expect, so you can feel prepared on the day and feel more comfortable.
Do I have to be invited to attend a funeral?
A funeral is generally open to those who knew the person who has died and unless the family has requested a private service, it is acceptable to attend without an invitation.
If you can't be there in person, we recommend enquiring whether the service will be livestreamed.
What should I wear?
Customs vary between faiths and cultures, so if you're unsure, the person arranging the funeral can let you know.
If the service is going to be a traditional funeral, then smart, black clothing can be appropriate. If the person who's died shared a list of wishes for their funeral and wanted to take a more modern approach with their funeral, this could include a request that people wear brighter colours or simply dress in a way that they feel comfortable.
Taking a moment to check before the day of the service will remove any worry of wearing the right outfit.
Finally, when it's cooler, consider a coat as some larger service locations can be cold during autumn and winter.
What should I bring?
You won't need much, but a few things are worth having with you:
- An umbrella if the weather forecast looks poor
- A handkerchief or tissues
- Your reading glasses if you need them
- A small bottle of water, especially on a warm day
- A sympathy card for the family, if you'd like to give one
If you do bring a smartphone with you, switch it off as even a silent vibration-only setting can disrupt a service.
Should I send flowers?
Flowers are a thoughtful way to let the family know that you're thinking of them, such as a personalised wreath or a bespoke arrangement that can be delivered to the funeral ahead of the service. If there's a request for family flowers only, then it's right to respect these wishes and to find another way of sharing your condolences.
The easiest way to understand if you should or shouldn't send flowers is to ask the person who is arranging the funeral and they'll let you know. There might be an alternative, such as a donation to a charity of the family's choosing.
How much should I donate?
If the family has asked for donations to a charity instead of flowers, you should honour that request. How much you give is up to you, a reasonable option is donating what you would have spent on flowers.
Donations are now generally taken online, so it is unlikely that a cash collection will take place.
You may wish to include a note to the charity or association so they know who your donation is in memory of.
What time should I arrive?
Aim to arrive around 10-15 minutes early, allowing time for traffic, parking or public transport. You don't want to run the risk of turning up late and interrupting the service.
Take a seat or stand at the back of the service if you're unavoidably late, so you don't disturb others and avoid trying to enter the room if the funeral director is bringing the coffin into the service.
How do I share the right words?
We don't always know what to say to the family of the person who's died, particularly if we don't know them very well. These are some suggestions on simple things to say that show you're sincere:
- My sympathies for your loss
- I'm so sorry for your loss
- I'm thinking of you all
- I'm here for you if you need anything
Try to avoid open questions, such as "how are you feeling?" that can put people on the spot and come across as insensitive, even if it's a sincere question.
Funerals can take their toll on the family, and you should take their lead on whether they wish to chat or simply thank you for your kind words.
Where should I sit?
The first rows are usually reserved for immediate family, but do look for any obvious signs such as orders of service placed on seating at the front three rows but not elsewhere in the service room. Once the family and close friends have taken their seats, the remaining seats can be filled by everyone else.
In a large church or hall, it is important not to sit too far back. Seats at the back can remain unfilled, leaving the close family at the front feeling isolated. It can also make it harder for the person leading the service to be heard.
Should children attend?
Younger children could disrupt the service, unless it has been prior communication, it is usually best practice to make other arrangements for them. If you feel it's right for older children to attend and they've not experienced a funeral before, a supportive conversation together is advisable, to let them know what to expect.
Children share their emotions more readily; however, a funeral is the right place for grief and the first release of tears and being mindful of this also helps the adults to prepare. No one should feel that they ought to bottle things up. It's quite alright to feel upset.
What happens at the end of a service?
Whether it's a traditional service or a celebration of life, at the end of the service the immediate family and close friends will leave first, followed by everyone else who has attended. Whether it is a service location of faith or one of none, a moment of gathering outside the venue to share words of sympathy, offering reassuring hugs or simply letting the family know you're there will happen at many funerals.
If there is a gathering taking place following the service, the person who has arranged the funeral will usually share if this is open to all or a private family moment.
A funeral gives you the chance to say goodbye, but grief can stay with us for a long time. If you need to chat to someone about how you're feeling, you'll see our GriefChat widget on the right-hand side of this page. It's free to use and can really help.